Friday, December 19, 2008

When is it the right time?

A relative was being courted intensely by some dude. He wanted to marry her and all. In fact, I guess that as far as he was concerned it was a done deal. I am a little sketchy on the details about how they met but they certainly had not known each other for long.

Anyway, in the getting-to-know-each-other process, she mentioned that she had had a child about 4 years before that time. Said child was in Nigeria living with relatives while she was pursuing her education. Truth be told, she was so young when she had this child that said child was given to childless relatives to take care of. I am waiting on the end of that story but back to this one: His reaction? He dumped her. No more marriage. No more I love you.

Her grandmother claimed that she told him too soon. That she should have waited to get married to him before she broke the news to him. In other words, trap the fish and deal with the problems later on.

Y’all know I am a single mum. I am always upfront about that. Not ashamed of it. And although I have not dated a lot since my last relationship (does one date in 3.5 years count as “not dated a lot?” lol...), I mention my daughter almost immediately to anyone I am introduced to. I have been told to wait a few weeks, months, heck never mention it till he puts a ring on it.

Now I am curious, when is it the right time to say it? And why?


  1. I personally think the right time is as soon as possible. I don't buy the 'trap the fish' method one bit. In my opinion if he loves you enough and really wants to get married to you he will regardless. I know people who have done that already though sadly, they remain the minority.

  2. I concur w/Walking. If you are to marry someone, shouldnt one of the basis of the relationship be honesty... full disclosure of important & non-important things? If it's held until after marriage, one has to wonder what else is being hidden.

    I've found that some people are so quick to want to get married... so quick to say I love you... not realizing that love and marriage arent 24/7 fairytales

  3. I'll say you're doing the right thing by mentioning your daughter to anyone, it's better to be upfront in any relationship and to let the person accept you for who you are.

    When you meet the right person, that won't be a need trapping anyone..
    How're you doing?

  4. Anytime you feel comfortable with him is the right time to say it. If he doesn't love you, then he will exit the scene.

    Love conquers all. Hard to believe, but true. :)

  5. I also agree that as soon as possible is the best time. Either the guy accepts you or he doesn't. I know of two cases in the last two years where that has not affected the guys decision in Nigeria. If a guy cannot accept you with your child good ridiance, you don't need such conditional 'love'. We are in the 21st Century.

  6. I think you are doing the right thing. Keep it up. By telling early you weed out the bad seeds!

  7. Totally agree with most commentors here. Better to be upfront. Trust is important in a relationship. The right person would love you regardless.

  8. i think its better to lay all ur cards on the table from the beginning, a child shouldn't be hidden twld probably raise trust issues when u finally tell if u dont tell early enuf. i think a guy who'd leave coz u have a child won't love ur child and treat him right if u marry him b4 telling him abt the child

  9. A child should not be a bad thing or some secret that should be kept till further notice. It's one of the information you tell on the same day that you tell how many siblings you have, where your parents live, etc. Any1 who will like you will like you. I'd personally rather not date a man who has a child - not because I won't love the child, but because I'll be afraid of drama with the child's mother. However, I honestly will not refuse to date a man because he has a child.

    Just my two cents.

  10. i totally agree with vera.
    the day u start talking,i have 3brothers and 2sista and a cute little daughter.
    the longer u hang out with someone,the likelihood u will like d person so y hide info like dat?

    Then i will only date a man with a child if he is not at loggerheads with the mother,he is totally financially responsible for the child and he/she is with the mother

  11. I doubt if there is ever a right time to issue like this. You need to tell him/her before you commit is all.
    And if by telling, the person dumps you! He/She is a chicken hearted perso nwho derserves you not

    A church member of mine that is about 24, has a mother that is married to another man in the USA. And her mother never mentioned her existence to the man till date! This is so unfair! And I am sure she is afraid of rejection but why hiding a child!

  12. Too soon, too late......'tis all an illusion. However, not upfront i daresay. Why? At least, 'tis fair to allow the relationship to form before venturing it; 'twill also help gauge the depth of dude's love of tolerance. But, definitely not after marriage, an uncompromising deal-breaker that would be.

  13. I personally believe as soon as possible. The whole 'trap the fish' thing doesn't go well with me at all! A child is a blessing that shouldn't be hidden. If he can't handle that, I guess he wasn't meant for you anyway.

    I guess I just echoed the sentiments of many here...just my opinion anyways.

  14. personally i think u are doing ok...cuz it might even be a test to see how serious the guy is with his love....nevertheless let the holy spirit guide u to know how soon to tell...

    like Jaycee said Love conquers.

  15. I see the majority of us are on the same path so let me direct some question to the guy in our midst.

    @ Rethots: When do you believe that the relationship would have formed? At what stage? When you've gone out a few times or when it seems that there has been some emotional commitment to a relationship?

    How does one explain the sounds of a child in the background when taking a call? Children are not quiet and short of banishing them to another room, there is no avoiding that scenario?

    Say you and I were to meet and start dating, would you really not mind that I waited as long as 1-3 months to tell you that I had a child?

    I haven't dated for so long, but I do know that everyone I have dated has always sort of known my routine or can call anytime and ask where I am. Do I leave out the fact that I am on my school run?

    I really need to understand this.

    @ Standtall: About your 24 year old friend, that woman is not really her mother. Can't be. I hope she has moved on and not invested her emotions in any sort of relationship with her.

  16. That's the thing, her freewill isn't that strong. She still stays with her supposed mother's relative. I do encourage her though

  17. And guess what happened when she met her father last yr xmas? He was gonna marry her off!

  18. @ Standtall: It is a sad thing when parents are willing to forgo the happiness of their children for their own selfish gain. She needs to let go of those "family" ties and forge her own. I wish her the strength to wake up to the facts.

    I have a friend who works hard to get the father that abandoned her and her siblings to accept her. This includes handing over her entire salary whenever he has a sob story...a man that did not nurture, clothe, house or feed her. She is his mugu and unfortunatley she does not have the will to let go.

  19. Perfect Love cast out all fear---
    if you know me well you'll know I talk about my family a lot especially my mother so if I have a daughter I would let you know right there on the very first date. if you can’t accept her then you can’t accept me.
    a close friend told me about her cousins story : husband and wife travelled to America and left 3 children at home with one of their parents you wont believe this duo never asked after this children for 24 years can you beat that!
    they had 3 other children in Yankee , family members had to contribute to send this children abroad after 24 years I don’t think they ever reconciled with their parents

  20. @ Olaide: That is indeed a story that beggars belief! But then again, truth is stranger than fiction.


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